Happy Birthday Malen

I hate myself when I commit to others and to myself...and I wasn't able to do it. Arrrgh, it sucks. Like yesterday, I was supposed to attend my college bestfriend Malen's birthday. I already confirmed it but at the last minute...I quit. I don't know why. I always feel uncomfortable going out on my rest days. I don't feel like going somewhere out of the house if it's really not required or really necessary for me to be there. I don't know what that kind of fear it is but I hate it. Maybe I hate dressing up, maybe because I again gained some weight. What I really think is that it has something to do with my weight. When I lost weight last year, all I want to do is party party party. Be on the limelight, have my pictures taken and have it posted on Facebook. I love it when people comment that I've lost a lot of weight which became my motivation to see my other friends. I don't want to rely my happiness on my outward appearance or anything other than my inner self. I don't want to have anything or anyone control the level of my happiness. I just hope I can make it up to my friend. I have failed them twice now (Ruth and Malen- my college bestfiends), one is when I missed our dear friend Syana's party when came to the Philippines after 10 years and now I failed them because I wasn't able to attend her birthday though I promised her that I will be there with my hubby. I hate myself. I hope and pray I can manage to do what I have planned. Procrastination and not doing what you have planned is deadly. Help me Lord. Amen.